Labor day was rough for me. I was tired and in pain most of the day. It was GREAT to hangout with Zack! Even a week without some good face time with that kid is too long. He's great at keeping my spirits up and helping me empty out my brain when I'm feeling down. I also got to play HALO with Brock, Patrick, Joe, and Kyle today. That was fun too.

I'm not going back to dialysis. This isn't me being stubborn either! =) I have a doctor that cares about me and listens to what I want. He found me another experimental drug to try. My quality of life won't really be any better than if I were on dialysis.. but at least I won't have to drive home three times a week. I will be able to live a closer semblance to a normal life. I do have to go back on my special (aka... HORRIBLE) diet. Today was my last day of freedom. *sigh* It was good while it lasted.

I don't think I'm going to be able to go to California in October. I want to badly.. I've never seen that ocean. But I'm not sure its in the cards right now. I'm got a few other things I need to take car of first (see... I can have adult priorities!!) Maybe a short trip to somewhere south of here for fall break would be good. Who knows.

My birthday is Saturday. I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. I know I should go out and celebrate or something.. but I don't want to make it a big hooplah. I also don't want to have to stress about prep and clean up =) I think that this year will just be spent at home with a good book and a fire. I think that's a good way to spend what could be my last birthday. Quiet contemplation of what I've been given in life and what's to come.

I have been trying very hard to school my emotions lately. I try to put on a happy face regardless of how I actually feel. I'm not trying this to hide my true emotions, but to learn to temper them. I get too mad too easily sometimes, or too frustrated. I had been doing okay with it (so I think anyway.. ) until today. I'm not sure why.. but I got REALLY sick of it. I was crabby and moody all day. It took a great deal of will power to keep myself in check., but I faltered toward the end.

I need to apologize for being so emotional about something that seemed so trivial. It was important to me. It always has been. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to let go of true friends. But I kind of erupted tonight. Not in anger, but I haven't been telling someone that little things have been bothering me and they turned into big things, in my eyes. So when I got around to addressing it... I'm not sure that I handled it the way I should have. *sigh*

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called."
1 Timothy 6:12

I found my big change

I haven't updated this in far too long. A lot of good has been going on with me lately, along with a little bit of the not so good.

I spent a few days last week in the hospital. I got exhausted shopping and ended up being admitted to Olathe Med. yay. I got out Saturday YAY! =) When I got out, I basically discharged myself. Not samrt, I know. But I can't do hospitals for very long at a time. I get figidty and miserable. Upon leaving, I was discussing my future travel plans with my doctor. He asked if I had a deathwish. That hit me kinda hard. Not as hard as Zack though. He was super brutal to me. I will only go to California if Zack goes too. He said he wouldn't go unless I got permission to travel again.

That means going to back to treatments and taking all my meds again. Which kinda sucks. I will be sullen about it for a while, I'm sure. I will probably get moody and cranky too. But it will all be for my own good. This also means I must go back on the special diet of eating only boring food that tastes like crap. woohoo. =-/ That will be the worst by far for me. I enjoy making and eating especially tasty food! now I will just enjoy making and smelling it. *wrinkles nose*

I'm making new friends too, that's always exciting. And I'm getting to know others a lot better. Sometimes I walk around with blinders on and I only notice what I want to notice and not the gifts of friendship that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. yeah.

Oh, I got a car!!! =) she's pretty..... I named her Adelaide (yes, after that Anberlin song... somehow "ransom" didn't seem appropriate for a 2 door light blue chick car...but I considered it!) I love driving it. I'm not sure how much longer that will last though. But I will make it count!

Halo rules. enough said.