Labor day was rough for me. I was tired and in pain most of the day. It was GREAT to hangout with Zack! Even a week without some good face time with that kid is too long. He's great at keeping my spirits up and helping me empty out my brain when I'm feeling down. I also got to play HALO with Brock, Patrick, Joe, and Kyle today. That was fun too.

I'm not going back to dialysis. This isn't me being stubborn either! =) I have a doctor that cares about me and listens to what I want. He found me another experimental drug to try. My quality of life won't really be any better than if I were on dialysis.. but at least I won't have to drive home three times a week. I will be able to live a closer semblance to a normal life. I do have to go back on my special (aka... HORRIBLE) diet. Today was my last day of freedom. *sigh* It was good while it lasted.

I don't think I'm going to be able to go to California in October. I want to badly.. I've never seen that ocean. But I'm not sure its in the cards right now. I'm got a few other things I need to take car of first (see... I can have adult priorities!!) Maybe a short trip to somewhere south of here for fall break would be good. Who knows.

My birthday is Saturday. I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. I know I should go out and celebrate or something.. but I don't want to make it a big hooplah. I also don't want to have to stress about prep and clean up =) I think that this year will just be spent at home with a good book and a fire. I think that's a good way to spend what could be my last birthday. Quiet contemplation of what I've been given in life and what's to come.

I have been trying very hard to school my emotions lately. I try to put on a happy face regardless of how I actually feel. I'm not trying this to hide my true emotions, but to learn to temper them. I get too mad too easily sometimes, or too frustrated. I had been doing okay with it (so I think anyway.. ) until today. I'm not sure why.. but I got REALLY sick of it. I was crabby and moody all day. It took a great deal of will power to keep myself in check., but I faltered toward the end.

I need to apologize for being so emotional about something that seemed so trivial. It was important to me. It always has been. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to let go of true friends. But I kind of erupted tonight. Not in anger, but I haven't been telling someone that little things have been bothering me and they turned into big things, in my eyes. So when I got around to addressing it... I'm not sure that I handled it the way I should have. *sigh*

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called."
1 Timothy 6:12

I found my big change

I haven't updated this in far too long. A lot of good has been going on with me lately, along with a little bit of the not so good.

I spent a few days last week in the hospital. I got exhausted shopping and ended up being admitted to Olathe Med. yay. I got out Saturday YAY! =) When I got out, I basically discharged myself. Not samrt, I know. But I can't do hospitals for very long at a time. I get figidty and miserable. Upon leaving, I was discussing my future travel plans with my doctor. He asked if I had a deathwish. That hit me kinda hard. Not as hard as Zack though. He was super brutal to me. I will only go to California if Zack goes too. He said he wouldn't go unless I got permission to travel again.

That means going to back to treatments and taking all my meds again. Which kinda sucks. I will be sullen about it for a while, I'm sure. I will probably get moody and cranky too. But it will all be for my own good. This also means I must go back on the special diet of eating only boring food that tastes like crap. woohoo. =-/ That will be the worst by far for me. I enjoy making and eating especially tasty food! now I will just enjoy making and smelling it. *wrinkles nose*

I'm making new friends too, that's always exciting. And I'm getting to know others a lot better. Sometimes I walk around with blinders on and I only notice what I want to notice and not the gifts of friendship that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. yeah.

Oh, I got a car!!! =) she's pretty..... I named her Adelaide (yes, after that Anberlin song... somehow "ransom" didn't seem appropriate for a 2 door light blue chick car...but I considered it!) I love driving it. I'm not sure how much longer that will last though. But I will make it count!

Halo rules. enough said.

So lately I've been REALLY thinking about making a big move. I want out of Kansas. I want a big change. I want to wake up to something new. I want to forget how sick I am. I want to have a new job in a new city and make some new friends. I want to be able to say that there was a portion (however small) of my life that I wasn't a resident of Kansas.

Most of you should understand at least a portion of that. I REALLY want that.

I have been advised by some close friends that it would be a bad idea for me to do that. I love them both very much. They have some very good points. Like that moving would be like running away from my problems... and unsuccessful. Or that I would be leaving behind everyone I love and that loves me... and that's selfish of me. I agree with both of those points.

Lately I have felt very sick. I'm always tired, there's been an increase in pain, and I always feel like I'm going to throw up. Getting up in the morning is getting difficult. All I have to get me out of the house is work and whatever Zack and Liz want to do. I have myself convinced that if I move away that I will be able to forget about all of this pain and such. It's a nice fantasy...

maybe one day it will come true.

As for everyday things, my hot water knob in the bathroom is broken! No hot water for showers until I can get it fixed.... hmm. Also, I have the next two days off from work. I plan on baking my brains out for the boys!! I have a TON of new recipes to try.

I went shopping for a dress to wear at Holly's wedding today. I actually found one that I really like. It's tea length, strapless, and lime green = ) (big suprise..huh?) The only thing that kept me from buying it was that I would love to find a dress that was backless and showed my phoenix tattoo. I'm going to look next week when I go to KC to take Liz and her papa to the airport. Oh, another random fact!! The dress I tried on was a 9!!! SINGLE DIGITS!!! =)) oh baby. I know I'm not losing weight for the best reasons, but I'm getting smaller. That's always a boost of the self confidence.

I'm ready for another tattoo. I don't want to start my leaves or the dragon, that's too much work to get done. I may want to get flames put in the negative space of my phoenix, but I'm not sure yet. If I get them, they will always be there, so I want to make sure that I REALLY want them before getting them... I'm just not sure that it needs the flames yet. We'll see. I have a couple of good tattoos picked out if Kyle or Zack decide to get one. Placement will be tricky, but I'm gonna keep thinking about it. I've even been browsing tat magazines to try and find a place to put them that I just love.... Maybe I'll get a tattoo in California... hmm =D

Work is going slow, too slow actually. I am worried about not having enough money for all my plans in October. That means penny pinching until then = ( BORING. oh well.

I like nights. This is going to sound pathetic.. but I love the serenity. I love that the city nearly stops and that my dogs all sleep =) I love that my house gets quiet and I can just relax and forget some of my problems. I love that I can watch whatever random crap is on the DVR without someone looking at me funny. I love that I can be in PJs and it's not weird (cause I wear them ALL THE TIME. I only put on real clothes when i'm guarenteed to leave the house). It when I settle in and can tlak to Holly and Kyle. I love it. I love nights. Even when I feel like crap... something about it being dark out makes me feel better. =)

I have been getting progressively sicker the last couple of days. I think I have a cold or something. but it kinda sucks. I have been contemplating moving downstairs pretty much permanently. But I'm still not sure. I need to rearrange my living room and kitchen just in case.

Its weird not going to school this semester. I'm happy I don't have to deal with the stress, but it kinda stinks that everyone else got REALLY busy all of a sudden. I want to go back next semester though.

I want to plan and live like I'm not dying. I want to move out of Kansas too. I don't know where, Portland or Seattle would be great! Or I could go the other way and hit Georgia or South Carolina. I want to live near the ocean. I'm even considering Alaska! =) But I need out of the midwest!!! Any good ideas are more than welcome! Ideally, I need to go to grad school somewhere, so if there's a college for me around where I'd like to move.. better.

I am down to only three dogs now! Jane and Jordan got adopted last weekend. The house has been really quiet without them. I still need to find a permanent home for Savannah. (although she's calmed down a TON since we first got her last Thanksgiving) But I have been looking for a great dane or two to fill the silence. =D They are my DREAM BREED!

I haven't been working as much as earlier this month. But I will probably pick up more hours on the next schedule. Work is the only thing that gets me out of the house besides hanging out with people. I'm actually looking forward to it... i know, weird! Also, this month has FLOWN by. I can't believe that my birthday is right around the corner...

October is looking to be REALLY busy for me! I have Holly's wedding the first weekend, going to visit Kyle the second week, a couple of concerts the third week and recovery the last week =) But I'm ready for my life to be a little crazy!

I wish everyone good luck and little stress for this school semester! I know school gets messy and overwhelming, but I'm here if you need someone to help you study or just someone to be a bad influence and make you skip homework for ice cream... =)

wonderful always comes with a disappointment

I've been SUPER busy the last week or so. But things will calm down now, hopefully.

Kyle has been in town since.. friday? It's been wonderful to have him around. It's also a heartbreaker for me. I will seriously miss that kid. It will be hard to listen to BTA now. =( I'm trying to right now and it's only making me cry. grr. He's getting good at ruining my favorite music for me! *sigh* We had a ton of fun this weekend. I am so glad he was able to come up. It was nice to see him one last time.

The injections I have been on for about 3 months are no longer working. I found out last week. So I stopped taking them. I also don't take any of my medications any more either, except pain meds to keep the pain in check. I will not go back to dialysis. I won't. I know how stupid and stubborn you may think I'm being. I do. But I can't do it. I can't let that treatment suck my life away again.

This means I will die. And probably sooner than originally expected. I want everyone reading this to know that I really care about them and I would do anything for them. Its something that can be difficult to say to someone face to face, but I'm going to start.

There's an empty feeling in my stomach right now. (and not just because I haven't eaten yet today..) I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm running out of strength for this race of life.

Kyle, I wish you all the happiness in the world on your new journey. I will miss you, but I will be content in the knowledge that California is where you need to be. I will miss your awesome hugs and our late night walks. I will never forget your laugh or your sexy dance =) Thank you for always finding time to be there for me when I need you. Thank you for teaching me patience and flexibility. *sigh* You will be sorely missed.

I already cannot wait until October. crap.

not as bad

today was... messy but rewarding.

I went grocery shopping with Liz and grabbed her butt. yup. it was funny too. Then I came home and prepped stuff for dinner at Zack's. While I was doing that I talked to Kyle *GASP!* lol. I went to work, got yelled at... did a little yelling... came home.

Hanging out with Zack was the highlight of my whole day. It was wonderful to relax and make dinner for someone else. (I'm weird like that.) We played Apples to Apples and I was disappointed with the expansion pack I just bought. I was weird... but I kicked booty! =)

I came home and tried to read but only ended up falling asleep. I've been really tired lately, which scares me. I managed to wake up a little tonight to talk to Kyle *GASP AGAIN!* But I still haven't actually TALKED to him. I've given him some information, and we are going to try and switch around a few things for next week.. but I haven't been able to offload what's been on my mind this last week yet. Tonight I told him to go to bed or I would start right now. I feel like I'm going to burst! He'll be screwed when we finally get around to it all.... I started a list. I think I should call Zack or something. He's always good stress relief! =)

Zack has been a blessing lately. He's helping me be crafty and mischievous! =) He's also great when I need someone to listen. Big time. He is a wonderful friend.

I have so much I SHOULD be doing... and none of it will ever get done. That's another list I should start.

I want to go swimming. Oh, and I don't like work very much right now. My dogs need baths and the lawn needs mowed. I need to make a curtain for my closet, get my other curtain back up (it was a victim of Savannah hunting flies...) and start and finish my giant t-shirt project. I have two trips to plan, the events for next week need to be ironed out, and I need to get in to see my doctor.

All I want to do is sleep. All the time. I need a good motivator.

worst day ever

Holy crap. Today was the worst ever in a long time. I was supposed to go home for an important doctors appointment today... but I could not even get out of bed. I was sick to my stomach and the room was spinning, my kidneys felt like they might explode! It was SO painful. My kidneys still hurt.

I have only been out of bed three times today. All assisted (I have to get down the stairs to pee...) I helped Patrick make dinner.. but otherwise he pretty much took care of me today. I was lucky that he had the day off. The dogs were pretty calm today, which helped me a lot. I pretty much slept the day away. I still feel terrible.

I planned a trip last night. I've got most of the details hammered out. I'm feeling pretty good about it. But now there's all this information jammed into my brain! I have the trip to finish planning, another trip to get planned, a big day for Kyle, and now I want to host a PJ party! Oh, and I need to make sinner tomorrow before I go to work to take to Zack's. (that's really just a side note for myself. I really am afraid I will forget...)

All the dogs need baths... ugh. Maybe I can con someone into doing it for me =) I'm going to try at least!

I wore a dress this week! First time since my birthday last year. I may have to do it more often.. it was weird, but maybe I can get used to it. I will at least dress a little nicer. I love my t-shirts, don't get my wrong.. but I have a bunch of cute stuff in my closet that I've never worn. Time to get it out and put it on I think.

Today was an awful day off.